The Mistakes I've Made

For some reason I feel almost overwhelmed with all of my past mistakes--all the pain I've caused various people so many times.  (You know who you are.)  The ways I've turned my back on God and turned against friends and loved ones.  And this paralysis comes over me as I yearn to go back and fix those mistakes, yet am powerless to do so.  It is almost enough to make me despair, but for one thing:

I am assured that whenever I am at my weakest, God is strongest.  His wonderful strength takes hold at my worst mistakes, His mercy and unmerited kindness becoming even stronger as my human frailty and selfishness become more pronounced.  And He tells me that He knows and understands these weaknesses.  That He has experienced firsthand the worst of human life that allows Him to sympathize with me; and that He has experience in death and new life that enables Him to take all my mistakes on His shoulders, brow, heart, and in His overwhelming life force, wash them away as if they never had been!

And it makes my want to sob to know how unworthy I am of such a gift--of such fierce, breathtaking love.  But there is also joy that breaks in, crying aloud to my heart, "You are free!  He is delighted to embrace you and call you His son!"

Then I can only worship Him in His mercy and glory and faithfulness and kindness and beg His continued grace and forgiveness, thankful when He reminds me that once He has begun transforming me into something that shines with His heavenly brightness, He won't give up on me, no matter what.

The beauty of this is that every person who has ever experienced this sense of despair leading to an overpowering joy at God's mercy was once on the "outside" looking "in."  Nobody has ever earned their way in--it's all about God drawing in people who feel beyond His reach.  He wants to spread the wealth, to share the joy.  God wants to breathe new life and joy into people, and His people by all rights should rejoice with Him that another invaluable person has tasted healing by God's hand as they have.

Here are two songs that I believe really apply here.  The first is what came to mind as I thought of the mistakes I had made in my past.  The second is a song that changed my life 4 years ago as I realized I needed God to want to save me if I were to have any hope.

Ocean Floor
Majesty

Joy

It struck me (more forcefully than usual) the other day that I have the awful habit of strongly overreacting when "bad" things happen to me.  I can be instantly transformed into an extremely negative person, bringing down myself and those around me.  It happened very quickly.  I was backing away from a bookshelf when my ankle struck the CD player on the floor behind me.  Ultimately, there were a few moments of moderate pain and a trickle of blood, but at that moment, I became furious.  I quickly reflected and realized that I tend to respond to unexpected things without the least bit of thought about how it is appropriate to respond.  A few seconds' thought after my explosion of pain and indignation made me recall that I had just been offered a long awaited, long prayed-for teaching job, that God was continuing his faithfulness and providence to Caitlin and me, and that it would have been much better to be thankful that I hadn't broken my ankle.

Later that evening, I read through Philippians, which I understand Paul to have written while he was imprisoned for preaching the gospel.  I was ashamed to find that in those four short chapters, Paul, in much more dire circumstances than I've ever experienced, uses some form of the word 'joy' or 'rejoice' 14 times!  Here was a person that was joyful in God through the Holy Spirit, rather than focusing on momentary circumstantial hardships.

I'll pray the prayer that Paul states at the beginning of his letter to the Philippians, keeping in mind that 'joy' is one of the fruits of the Spirit: "I pray that [our] love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that [we] may be able to discern what is best, and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God."

Thanks, "Hugo"

Disclaimer: This post may offend some readers, in various ways.  Its purpose is not to judge or condemn or scold, but rather to tell about my own transformation and growth and mistake.  Please keep that in mind.  Also, you won't get the full scope of this post without reading the comments at the bottom.

I have been having an ongoing conversation with an acquaintance of mine--I call it a conversation, but often enough it's been more like an argument.  But anyway, it has been a discussion of religion, the Bible, God, gods, skepticism, and especially our differing views on pretty much everything to do with homosexuality.  I'll call this person Hugo, for no particular reason.  As I write this, I desperately hope there's no way it could be taken offensively, because I literally just picked the first random name to pop into my head.

Anyway, I personally believe the Bible is pretty clear about God's view on homosexuality.  I believe God has told us through the Holy Spirit as He fashioned the Bible that homosexuality is a mis-use of God's gift to us of our sexuality--one mis-use among many, I should say.  My friend strongly disagrees with me, and we battled back and forth on this and related topics for some time, but finally Hugo seemed to resign himself to the fact that it wasn't going anywhere.  I had been thinking the same thing, but had been to stubborn to admit it.  His only remaining question for me was about my stance on the hot issue of "gay marriage" in the United States: "Can you detail what the arguments in your mind are why in America same sex couples shouldn't be allowed to get married?"

I stared at the screen, very aware of the sweat accumulating on my fingers.  I began a mental inventory of all of the reasons I had that we as a nation must "defend marriage," and was surprised to find it less compelling in my head than it had been in my heart.  The only arguments I could come up with had to do with protecting the followers of my particular faith from a likely damaging doctrine and practice.  Sure, that sounded a little self-centered.  A little like "watching out for my own interests."  But surely that's what any demographic in this country does, at this point?  Sometimes it seems like every man for himself and may the loudest voice win.  It's not right, but that's just how it is...

My conscience pricked as I tried to justify myself and my church before Hugo and before God.  But what choice did I have?  I might not fully understand why the church is so set on preventing the legalization of gay marriage in this country, but who am I to defy the authority of the church?  How many Christians have gotten it into their heads that they were right, and the church wrong, and then gone and become heretics, leading others from the truth to lies, simply because they couldn't accept that the pastor knew better than they did?

This is getting much longer than I initially intended, as they usually do, so I'll cut to the chase.  Hugo ended our conversation, disgusted with me, and I thought that was the end of it, but God had other plans.  I continued to ponder the justifications I had offered for my stance on gay marriage, and the motivations I had for it.  I realized that what it came down to was fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of difficulty, danger, and persecution.  I considered what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 5:12 about not judging those outside the church.  I considered the reactions I had seen from so many people outside the church.  Angry, disillusioned, feeling not the love they were supposed to feel, but rather judgement and hate.

Then this morning, God put the nail in the coffin, as it were.  A guest speaker at church spoke about the glory of God.  About how God is the Ultimate in everything good: good, power, glory, love, creativity...everything.  He moved on to our role as Christians, "little Christs."  Mentioned that Christ told us two signs by which the world would know that we are from God: our love and our unity.  Funny that he didn't mention our apologetics or our doctrines.  Now I am not saying those should be compromised, but they are not the primary means by which lost people come to know God.

Which was more effective, this pastor asked me after the service, at rescuing people from the clutches of alcohol and prostitution--Prohibition, or Awakening?  Judgment and imposing our values on others...or loving them in spite of our differences, the way that God loved (and loves) us?

I no longer wish to contribute to the world's view of Christians as oppressive, selfish, or judgmental by insisting that this secular democracy uphold my moral beliefs regarding homosexuality.  Do I still consider this to be a sin?  Yes, along with a great many others of which I am guilty and worthy of death.  Do I think that the church should strictly uphold Biblical values within its own leadership, at the risk of strife and persecution?  Absolutely.  Do I want to be called a heretic by some who might read this and disagree with me?  Not really, but if that is the price for being where I believe God wants me to be, then so be it.  I don't want to live in fear of the unknown anymore, but in trusting that God is mighty to save, and able to work things out for the good of those who love and trust in Him.  If that means that some of my taxes go toward paying for "Adam and Steve's" pension plan down the road, okay.  That's the government's affair--not mine.

When I first considered writing this, I'm ashamed to admit that I was afraid that when he saw it, Hugo would read it and smile smugly to himself and think, "Told ya so, Peter.  You were being jerk, and now you see the light.  It's only a matter of time before you see things my way on the rest of it."  Then I realized it doesn't matter if he does, and I suspect he's much more sporting than that.  And besides, humility is good for me.  I need consistent strong doses of it, and God makes sure I get them even when I try to avoid it--especially when I try to avoid it.  I'm sorry, Hugo, for making you sick to your stomach, and I hope this helps to calm it down--not only for the sake of calming your stomach down, but for my conscience, and for God's frown.

If anyone has comments or questions, feel free to hit me up.

Know Thyself

The presence of the Holy Spirit brings light to dark places.  Darkness can mean sin, ignorance, or folly, or despair, or probably other things.  When we say "search me" God, I think we are also saying "reveal myself to me," because the Bible says that we don't even know ourselves: "the heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure.  Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9).  It goes on to say that only God can in verse 10.

Read those familiar verses from Psalm 139, and then ask yourself the following questions.  Be prepared to take some time to let the Holy Spirit commune with you, and ask Him beforehand to do so...

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.
See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting."
--Psalm 139:23-24

1. What is on my heart, deep within, God?  (Are these things others focused, or self-focused?)

2. What anxious thoughts do I have, God?  (Are these thoughts stemming from faith and trust in You?)

3. Am I in some way on a path that is displeasing to You?  (What can I do to correct this?)

4. God, in spite of all this, how have You used me to glorify Yourself, even in small ways?  Thank you for always being faithful to me, patient with me, gracious to me, and using me to do Your work!

Chin Up, Hands Up

"Woman, why are you crying?"  This woman thought that the ultimate love and hope in her life was extinguished.  But it was alive in Jesus Christ.  Why are you crying?  There is a Savior and Lord who loves you more than you can imagine, and knows you better than you know yourself.  Through him, we have the forgiveness of sins and a hope for the future.  Thanks be to God!
Do not grieve for your past sins, but lament, repent, embrace God's lavish mercy and grace, and live in the joy of his forgiveness and righteousness!

God of Purpose, Justice, and Holiness

I didn't write about small group last week, so I'm going to briefly talk about what we discussed these past two weeks:

Last Monday, the Hale small group discussed Luke 5:1-11, the story of Jesus calling Simon Peter and some other fishermen to leave everything and follow him.  We noted Peter had several opportunities to deny Jesus, and could easily have been tempted to do so after the very long, rough, frustrating night of working so hard and catching nothing.  Peter could have not let him in the boat, not put out into the water two different times, not worshiped Jesus, or not followed him when he called, but something drew him to Jesus.  If you are reading this, you've probably experienced this too.  Will you follow him and obey him, or not?  You may seem like an unlikely person to have God call you to his great purposes, but so were Peter and Andrew--uneducated, unclean, social outcasts with personality flaws.  Yet they ended up playing huge roles in God's plan for humanity's salvation.

Tonight, we talked about John 2:12-25, the story of Jesus driving the merchants from the Temple.  On the surface, it seems as though Jesus simply objects to the buying and selling of animals in the Temple, yet this is not the case.  There was extreme injustice taking place here, as these people were required to come from far off to Jerusalem for the Passover, and by the Temple rules had to buy their sacrificial animals here.  What should have been the choicest animals were instead pitiful things, sold for much more than they were worth.  Even the doves, the sacrifices of the poorest Jews, were meager and overpriced.  Those in charge of the Temple and its rituals were making it an extreme burden on the people--especially the poor--to come and worship God as they were instructed to do!  This injustice and greed at least as much as the use of the Temple courts for buying and selling (after all, this buying and selling was mandated by the law) is what drove Jesus to his extreme righteous anger.

The passage says that Jesus was consumed by zeal for the Temple.  Do you realize that anyone who has been washed by Jesus blood has the Holy Spirit dwelling within him or her, and is now a Temple to the living God? What passion would your life ignite in Jesus?  What unjust, unholy, unloving practices are attitudes reside in you that Jesus would want to drive out?  These things affect our ability to properly worship our God.  Ask God to bring these things to your mind, and if He does, confess of your sin, repent, and give thanks that God is merciful and just and forgives and cleanses us from our sins.  Thanks be to God!  Amen.

Proximity

We just read Luke 2:41-52 as a small group in my dorm--the first real Bible study we've done this semester, and I felt like throwing down a few main points that we covered about the story of Jesus in Jerusalem as a boy.  Before you read any further, I encourage you to read the passage for yourself and see what you can glean from God's word:

We thought it was really cool how Jesus seemed to just yearn for the presence of His Father.  He'd already been in Jerusalem 8 days (the duration of the Passover celebration), and yet He seemed perfectly content to stay there (for three days or longer), questioning and answering the learned men, even after His parents had left.  Talk about devotion to God and His call on Jesus' life!  It reminds me of the passage in John where Jesus says that His "food is to do the will of the one who sent him" or something to that effect.

One question that was asked was this: "How could Jesus' parents have possibly lost him for so long?  What kind of parents were they?"  Notice though that the passage says they were traveling with friends and family, and culturally, they probably would have been traveling with men and women separate.  So it's easy to understand how they (Mary and Joseph) could each have assumed that Jesus was with the other.

When they come back to Jerusalem then, frantic to find Him, they see Him discussing deep things with the scholars, amazing them with His understanding.  This shows that He truly was extraordinary--like no Jewish boy who came before Him.  But also that He was limited in his knowledge like any other human.  He was learning and growing from the teachers of Israel.  This is key to understanding how Jesus could be both man and God.  Though He was God, He appears to have chosen to limit Himself to the point of being human, so that He could sympathize with us in our struggles and temptations and sufferings.  What a wonderful, sympathetic God!

We noted as well that Jesus demonstrates great humility and obedience, both in coming with His parents, in respecting the teachers and His parents, and in returning to Nazareth with them when they left.  Because Christians are called to become more Christ-like, seeing Jesus demonstrate humility and obedience should set off in us a desire to be more obedient and humble, like Him.

Another passage that we related this to is Acts 17:24-28, which talks about the God of the universe, Lord of heaven and earth, who ordains our days and gives us our life and breath; it says that He is very near to us, just waiting in eager anticipation for us to draw near to Him.  This is the call that Jesus seems to have been responding to in the passage in Luke.  Think for yourself for a moment--what is your proximity to God the Father?  Is He pleading with you to spend your best time with Him?  Is He pleading with you to share your life and plans with Him?  Your heart and soul?  The passage in Acts goes on to tell us about what God did to restore us to Himself: He came to earth and died in our places of His own pleasure and will, and then rose again to give us life through His victory over the grave.  How will you respond to this radical call on your life?