The Mistakes I've Made

For some reason I feel almost overwhelmed with all of my past mistakes--all the pain I've caused various people so many times.  (You know who you are.)  The ways I've turned my back on God and turned against friends and loved ones.  And this paralysis comes over me as I yearn to go back and fix those mistakes, yet am powerless to do so.  It is almost enough to make me despair, but for one thing:

I am assured that whenever I am at my weakest, God is strongest.  His wonderful strength takes hold at my worst mistakes, His mercy and unmerited kindness becoming even stronger as my human frailty and selfishness become more pronounced.  And He tells me that He knows and understands these weaknesses.  That He has experienced firsthand the worst of human life that allows Him to sympathize with me; and that He has experience in death and new life that enables Him to take all my mistakes on His shoulders, brow, heart, and in His overwhelming life force, wash them away as if they never had been!

And it makes my want to sob to know how unworthy I am of such a gift--of such fierce, breathtaking love.  But there is also joy that breaks in, crying aloud to my heart, "You are free!  He is delighted to embrace you and call you His son!"

Then I can only worship Him in His mercy and glory and faithfulness and kindness and beg His continued grace and forgiveness, thankful when He reminds me that once He has begun transforming me into something that shines with His heavenly brightness, He won't give up on me, no matter what.

The beauty of this is that every person who has ever experienced this sense of despair leading to an overpowering joy at God's mercy was once on the "outside" looking "in."  Nobody has ever earned their way in--it's all about God drawing in people who feel beyond His reach.  He wants to spread the wealth, to share the joy.  God wants to breathe new life and joy into people, and His people by all rights should rejoice with Him that another invaluable person has tasted healing by God's hand as they have.

Here are two songs that I believe really apply here.  The first is what came to mind as I thought of the mistakes I had made in my past.  The second is a song that changed my life 4 years ago as I realized I needed God to want to save me if I were to have any hope.

Ocean Floor
Majesty

Joy

It struck me (more forcefully than usual) the other day that I have the awful habit of strongly overreacting when "bad" things happen to me.  I can be instantly transformed into an extremely negative person, bringing down myself and those around me.  It happened very quickly.  I was backing away from a bookshelf when my ankle struck the CD player on the floor behind me.  Ultimately, there were a few moments of moderate pain and a trickle of blood, but at that moment, I became furious.  I quickly reflected and realized that I tend to respond to unexpected things without the least bit of thought about how it is appropriate to respond.  A few seconds' thought after my explosion of pain and indignation made me recall that I had just been offered a long awaited, long prayed-for teaching job, that God was continuing his faithfulness and providence to Caitlin and me, and that it would have been much better to be thankful that I hadn't broken my ankle.

Later that evening, I read through Philippians, which I understand Paul to have written while he was imprisoned for preaching the gospel.  I was ashamed to find that in those four short chapters, Paul, in much more dire circumstances than I've ever experienced, uses some form of the word 'joy' or 'rejoice' 14 times!  Here was a person that was joyful in God through the Holy Spirit, rather than focusing on momentary circumstantial hardships.

I'll pray the prayer that Paul states at the beginning of his letter to the Philippians, keeping in mind that 'joy' is one of the fruits of the Spirit: "I pray that [our] love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that [we] may be able to discern what is best, and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ--to the glory and praise of God."

Thanks, "Hugo"

Disclaimer: This post may offend some readers, in various ways.  Its purpose is not to judge or condemn or scold, but rather to tell about my own transformation and growth and mistake.  Please keep that in mind.  Also, you won't get the full scope of this post without reading the comments at the bottom.

I have been having an ongoing conversation with an acquaintance of mine--I call it a conversation, but often enough it's been more like an argument.  But anyway, it has been a discussion of religion, the Bible, God, gods, skepticism, and especially our differing views on pretty much everything to do with homosexuality.  I'll call this person Hugo, for no particular reason.  As I write this, I desperately hope there's no way it could be taken offensively, because I literally just picked the first random name to pop into my head.

Anyway, I personally believe the Bible is pretty clear about God's view on homosexuality.  I believe God has told us through the Holy Spirit as He fashioned the Bible that homosexuality is a mis-use of God's gift to us of our sexuality--one mis-use among many, I should say.  My friend strongly disagrees with me, and we battled back and forth on this and related topics for some time, but finally Hugo seemed to resign himself to the fact that it wasn't going anywhere.  I had been thinking the same thing, but had been to stubborn to admit it.  His only remaining question for me was about my stance on the hot issue of "gay marriage" in the United States: "Can you detail what the arguments in your mind are why in America same sex couples shouldn't be allowed to get married?"

I stared at the screen, very aware of the sweat accumulating on my fingers.  I began a mental inventory of all of the reasons I had that we as a nation must "defend marriage," and was surprised to find it less compelling in my head than it had been in my heart.  The only arguments I could come up with had to do with protecting the followers of my particular faith from a likely damaging doctrine and practice.  Sure, that sounded a little self-centered.  A little like "watching out for my own interests."  But surely that's what any demographic in this country does, at this point?  Sometimes it seems like every man for himself and may the loudest voice win.  It's not right, but that's just how it is...

My conscience pricked as I tried to justify myself and my church before Hugo and before God.  But what choice did I have?  I might not fully understand why the church is so set on preventing the legalization of gay marriage in this country, but who am I to defy the authority of the church?  How many Christians have gotten it into their heads that they were right, and the church wrong, and then gone and become heretics, leading others from the truth to lies, simply because they couldn't accept that the pastor knew better than they did?

This is getting much longer than I initially intended, as they usually do, so I'll cut to the chase.  Hugo ended our conversation, disgusted with me, and I thought that was the end of it, but God had other plans.  I continued to ponder the justifications I had offered for my stance on gay marriage, and the motivations I had for it.  I realized that what it came down to was fear.  Fear of the unknown, fear of difficulty, danger, and persecution.  I considered what Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 5:12 about not judging those outside the church.  I considered the reactions I had seen from so many people outside the church.  Angry, disillusioned, feeling not the love they were supposed to feel, but rather judgement and hate.

Then this morning, God put the nail in the coffin, as it were.  A guest speaker at church spoke about the glory of God.  About how God is the Ultimate in everything good: good, power, glory, love, creativity...everything.  He moved on to our role as Christians, "little Christs."  Mentioned that Christ told us two signs by which the world would know that we are from God: our love and our unity.  Funny that he didn't mention our apologetics or our doctrines.  Now I am not saying those should be compromised, but they are not the primary means by which lost people come to know God.

Which was more effective, this pastor asked me after the service, at rescuing people from the clutches of alcohol and prostitution--Prohibition, or Awakening?  Judgment and imposing our values on others...or loving them in spite of our differences, the way that God loved (and loves) us?

I no longer wish to contribute to the world's view of Christians as oppressive, selfish, or judgmental by insisting that this secular democracy uphold my moral beliefs regarding homosexuality.  Do I still consider this to be a sin?  Yes, along with a great many others of which I am guilty and worthy of death.  Do I think that the church should strictly uphold Biblical values within its own leadership, at the risk of strife and persecution?  Absolutely.  Do I want to be called a heretic by some who might read this and disagree with me?  Not really, but if that is the price for being where I believe God wants me to be, then so be it.  I don't want to live in fear of the unknown anymore, but in trusting that God is mighty to save, and able to work things out for the good of those who love and trust in Him.  If that means that some of my taxes go toward paying for "Adam and Steve's" pension plan down the road, okay.  That's the government's affair--not mine.

When I first considered writing this, I'm ashamed to admit that I was afraid that when he saw it, Hugo would read it and smile smugly to himself and think, "Told ya so, Peter.  You were being jerk, and now you see the light.  It's only a matter of time before you see things my way on the rest of it."  Then I realized it doesn't matter if he does, and I suspect he's much more sporting than that.  And besides, humility is good for me.  I need consistent strong doses of it, and God makes sure I get them even when I try to avoid it--especially when I try to avoid it.  I'm sorry, Hugo, for making you sick to your stomach, and I hope this helps to calm it down--not only for the sake of calming your stomach down, but for my conscience, and for God's frown.

If anyone has comments or questions, feel free to hit me up.